Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
