guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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