the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
