why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
