Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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