Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
