I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
