I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
