Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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