Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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