Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
