I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
