she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
