I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
