Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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