you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
