Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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