I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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