You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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