I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
