dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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