I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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