Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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