No stitches, just platelets and will power
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
