Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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