the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
