I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize