She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish i was in the wii world.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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