Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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