Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
