critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
