Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
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