just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize