Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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