So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
