Me. At least after what I've been through.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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