Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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