I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Randomize
