Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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