make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
