Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Shame - the story of my life.
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