so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Someone shattered a urinal.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize