I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
