just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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