I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
