took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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