yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
