So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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