We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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