A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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