Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The uberlube is also flammable
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize