Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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