I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize