Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
