My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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