I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
