Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
