im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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