If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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