wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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