I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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