WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
