i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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