I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
that's an acceptable place to lick
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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