a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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