I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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