A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
