69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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