Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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