She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
