fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
