the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
