Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
