I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
