It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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