i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The beer is more important than you right now.
this will be a night to untag.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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