God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
