for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
