Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
